Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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