Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
