The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
