if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
love makes seman taste better
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
