I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
