I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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