We're facebook friends in real life
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
