Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
