I wish I could punch you in the face.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
