I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
