I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
