tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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