Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
