my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
