Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
