I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
