My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
