Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
