This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
