eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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