Screwed.edu
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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