I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
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