theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
