I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
