It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
