you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
