I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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