This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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