the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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