my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
