So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
