apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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