What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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