I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
