I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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