I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
