there's paper in my vomit.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
