he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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