He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
