The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Drake has all the answers
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