if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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