if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
