when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
