he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
