tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
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oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
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He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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