I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
