and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
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