I can't watch pbs sober anymore
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
