broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i came on her dog
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
