Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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