she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
