do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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