Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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