My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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